We are living in a time and culture characterized by distrust. Obviously, we need to discern wisely who and what we can trust, but what we’re experiencing now is poisonous to civil society.
Rachel Botsman, in her book Who Can You Trust?, cites recent Gallup data showing the dramatic drop in the level of trust Americans have in various institutions and sectors in our culture from 1973 to the present. Why has this happened? She names several reasons, all of which make a lot of sense.
Botsman defines trust as confident expectations of the unknown. In fact, it’s a bridge between the known and the unknown. Isn’t that what is at the root of why we communicate, too? We want to inform people. We want to create a connection between them and us, and what we say and do can either be a bridge or a barrier.
"Trust is the foundation of every relationship in our life," says Jen Fisher, U.S. chief well-being officer for the consultancy Deloitte. "Every positive relationship starts from a place of trust."
Let’s not accept this cultural low level of trust as normal. It’s not okay. What can we do to fix it? It’s a matter of character and integrity at its core, so we must look inward first. But I think it’s important to point out that if you want to be seen as trustworthy, your communication matters, too.
If you’re not trustworthy, trying to use language to manufacture or manipulate trust will only further undermine it. People will see through it and learn to not trust anything you say. So starting from the assumption of personal integrity, what does trustworthy language look and sound like?
It’s truthful. This is the most obvious, right? Check your facts versus hearsay. Don’t shift your story unless based on new information.
It’s kind. Yes, you can be truthful and kind at the same time. You must be. Do not excuse rude or cruel words by saying, “Well, I just tell it like it is.” No, the way you are saying it is a choice you are making.
It’s clear. Unless you’re writing for an academic review, say it as simply and conversationally as possible. Trying to sound impressive usually results in the opposite. Besides, if you feel you need to do that, your trust issues probably start with yourself.
It admits when it was wrong. Yes, this really does demonstrate that you are trustworthy. It’s part of being truthful.
It admits when it doesn’t know. No one knows everything. Trustworthy people have the humility and vulnerability to say they don’t know something.
It’s inquiring. Trustworthy people also aren’t afraid to ask questions of someone else, even someone with less seniority, to learn more about it. They seek to understand.
It honors privacy. If someone shares something in confidence, a trustworthy person does not speak it to anyone else.
It matches. We can’t entirely control our nonverbals – our facial expressions and body postures. But when our words don’t match them, the people we are communicating with notice in a flash, and we are wired to trust the nonverbal over the words. Who we are is always the root of what we say, or else it undercuts it.
It inspires. You may have noticed at this point that these characteristics of trustworthy language are also describing a good leader. Funny how that works. Good leaders do more than manage people, they inspire people to be their best selves and give them a vision of that unknown, which you are seeking to reach—or create—together.
It takes more than speaking and writing differently to restore trust. Like I said, the integrity of organizations and individuals must come first. But without the language of trust, no one will know.
What can you add to this description of the language of trust?
Want to improve leadership and trust? Contact me for individual communication coaching or team training. Specializing in age-diverse communication.
(Note: This article is adapted from a blog post on my website originally published in Dec. 2021.)