“They stop asking questions in about 4th or 5th grade.”
My friend Sarah, who is an elementary school librarian, made this statement as we talked and walked together one day. I had been telling her about one of my tutoring students and how I had to draw him out with questions to get him to use his imagination and make up a story based on a picture I had shown him.
Small children have a well-deserved reputation for peppering their parents and teachers, and sometimes even strangers, with questions. Their curiosity seems insatiable. It’s how they learn. Yet at some point, often in those later elementary years, most of us do seem to stop asking questions beyond what we need to get by. It’s like our curiosity goes dormant.
Why might this happen at 10 or 11 years old? Maybe at least partially it’s because by then children have experienced plenty of schooling focused on answering questions correctly on standardized tests. Knowing the right answers has become more important than asking curious questions. One might ask if this is truly education. But it is the reality in classrooms across the United States. Those scores that supposedly measure the worth of the students, teachers, and schools leave less and less room for exploration and wondering.
Another contributing factor could be that by this age children have become extremely peer-centered. They don’t want to be the only person to not know something and “have to” ask. That can feel too vulnerable. It’s safer to play it cool.
The best education prepares us to be lifelong learners. How do we maintain the attitude of a learner and keep asking questions?
First, we need to admit we don’t have all the answers. I think if we are truthful with ourselves, we know this in our guts. In fact, the older I get, the more I realize how much I don’t know. Yet the expectation on adults, whether at work or as parents, is usually that we know our stuff, that we have the answers. One professional in a leadership position told me, “I feel like in my job I’m not allowed to say I don’t know.” That’s not okay.
Then we need to nurture our own habit of asking good questions. (A side benefit of this is that if, like me, you might find small talk challenging with strangers in a networking room, preparing some questions ahead of time can help you get started.)
Learn from the best
Sarah, who works with students every day, has maintained her own curious spirit and lets it bubble up as an example in her library. She asks great questions that open windows of wondering for anyone she is talking with, child or adult. Journalists train in the art of interviewing. They practice asking who, what, when, where, why, and how to get the facts of a story. Questions that can be answered with just yes or no are death to an interview. Lifelong learners, too, prioritize questions that invite open sharing.
And then of course there are the master interviewers like Oprah Winfrey who famously connect with people on a relatable, human level. It might seem like a contradiction, but the most skilled interviewers know it’s true, that being open about what you don’t know and your own imperfections makes it more likely that you can establish the setting for continued learning for yourself and the other person. Also, and this is important, Oprah knows the value of giving people space to talk. She’s okay with thoughtful pauses. She doesn’t finish guests’ sentences. She waits. If we ask people questions and then keep talking because we are uncomfortable with silence, they will rightly think we don’t really want to listen to their answers. The learning never happens – except they learn they can’t really trust us to care.
Curiosity, not assumptions
The more we approach other people as having life experience, skill, or knowledge we can learn from, the more we will learn – and the deeper connections we will build between ourselves and people who might be different from us in some way. Too often our assumptions squelch our curiosity. For instance, just yesterday I heard yet again about a conversation in which a group of older professionals were using the usual negative assumptions to bad-mouth younger co-workers. Do you think that, with those kinds of attitudes, either side – there should not be sides! – can learn from the other? Not a chance. And that’s a shame because mutual mentoring empowers individuals and organizations. Assumptions sap our strength.
The only assumption I recommend, especially regarding people of diverse backgrounds, cultures, gender, and age, is to assume that by knowing them you will learn something. Instead of assumptions, get curious. Ask questions to understand. Let one answer spark another question. Keep questions open-ended. And listen to the whole person, both words and nonverbals.
Pre-schoolers are learning hand over fist. Be like them – ask questions.
Here are a couple of actions to take this week to encourage your own openness to learning:
1. This week, start each day asking yourself three “I wonder . . . “ questions. Write them down somewhere. See what sparks your curiosity.
2. Think of an open-ended question to ask a co-worker, friend, or family member that might allow them to share something that will provide new insight into their perspective on something.