One of my children was assessed as on the autism spectrum as an adult. From time to time they have mentioned communication challenges they have experienced. Recently they asked me, “Mom, do neurotypical people typically say they will do things, like ‘Let’s grab coffee together,’ when they have no intention of doing it?” Unfortunately, the answer is yes, way too often. It’s crappy, but common.
The more I thought about it, the more I realized we would all be better communicators if we neurotypicals would take some communication coaching cues from neurodivergent folks. For instance, our relationships and ability to work with others will improve if we mean what we say and welcome questions.
Meaning what we say
Do we say what we mean? Or do we say things we don’t mean because we want to be nice people?
Let’s just stop it. Yes, we need to be kind and courteous. Yes, we need to treat others with respect. But when our default is to be nice, it’s really more about how our own image comes across than how we are treating others.
Maybe you grew up being told to be nice. When you behaved in ways that garnered disapproval, you were told, “That’s not nice.” Nice and naughty were presented as binary opposites. In our culture, females especially are socialized with the expectation to be nice. Nice girls behave a certain way. If you’re not nice, you are a mean girl, a bitch, or a slut. But this isn’t just a female problem. Guys do it too.
Nice people never make someone else angry or uncomfortable. They are always agreeable. They never say no.
Except they do. They just do it in a dishonest way.
Nice people are always friendly. Always supportive. Always ready to meet up for coffee.
Except they’re not. They just give the appearance that they are.
Eventually, the truth comes out, usually in a way that hurts the other person we meant to be nice to.
Wouldn’t it be better if we were just real? Kindly and clearly real?
Clarity is kind, says sociologist, author, and speaker Brene Brown. Making someone guess what you really mean or leading them to think you mean what you say and then letting them down is not kind.
Welcoming questions
Speaking of clarity, how do you respond when someone questions you after you’ve given directions or stated an intention? Do you get defensive, or do you welcome questions as essential to clear communication?
Miscommunication happens when we assume questioning is a challenge to our authority. So many of us have grown up with parents who told us, “Because I said so!” when we asked why we needed to do something they’d told us to do. Friends, being defensive over our authority is not good leadership for parents or for the workplace. And it has no place in a relationship in which both parties are supposed to be equal.
We neurotypicals are unfortunately accustomed to questions being used as passive-aggressive criticism. This is confusing to everyone involved and especially to our friends, family members, and coworkers on the autism spectrum who have a deep need to make sure they understand. Everyone will benefit if we can normalize asking and answering questions as a way to clarify meaning, check our understanding, and draw out additional ideas.
Effective questions are a form of clear communication, too, as long as we are asking what we really want to know and responding to the actual question and not some hidden meaning we read into it, which often comes out of some previous experience with a completely different person in our lives.
“I’ve come to think of questioning as a moral practice,” writes David Brooks, in his book, How to Know a Person. “When you are asking a good question, you are adopting a posture of humility. You’re confessing that you don’t know and you want to learn. You’re also honoring a person. We all like to think we are so clever that we can imagine what’s going on in another’s mind. But the evidence shows that this doesn’t work. People are just too different from one another, too complicated, too idiosyncratic.”
Wouldn’t it be wonderful if we could see asking questions as a strength? Wouldn’t it be wonderful if we could assume we were all saying what we mean?
Let’s strive to be kind and curious instead of “nice” for more authentic and healthy human connections.
Bonus Communication Tip: from How to Know a Person, by David Brooks
Use the SLANT method to give 100% of your attention to a person in conversation:
Sit up
Lean forward
Ask questions
Nod your head
Track the speaker