On Gifts

Use Your Words

‘Tis the season when the emphasis on gifts is higher than any other time of year, which brings up two things that I want to share with you about gifts.

Gifting? Bah humbug!

First, the word-nerdy curmudgeon in me – yep, she exists – asks why in the world we need gift as a verb. Give works just fine, thank you very much. A gift is the thing given. The act is to give, as in “I gave him a book for his birthday.” The  book is the gift. I just don’t understand why we would say, “I gifted him a gift for his birthday.”

Okay, now that that’s out of my system, I feel better. On to the second, more meaty thing.

Gifts of words

Years ago, when our children were newly minted adults, there were several years when we had to rethink Christmas gifts because everyone was financially strapped. We planned to host the dinner, and as the mom, I suggested that instead of spending money nobody had, we give each other “gifts of words.” I told them they could interpret that any way they wanted, but these word gifts did not need to cost money at all.

Then I set to work writing a letter to each of them, with input from their dad, which we both signed. The letters conveyed traits we admired and strengths that we saw in them, the joy they had brought us, our pride in each of them as we had seen how they’d navigated challenges, and some of our vision (nonspecific) for their futures.

We printed out each letter, signed them, rolled each like a scroll tied with a festive ribbon, and placed them by each place at the table. As we sat down to eat, they read them. They exchanged their gifts, and after some tears and laughter we passed the turkey.

I don’t remember the specific word-gifts they came up with for each other. Some were silly. Some were simple. All expressed the individuality of the giver and/or receiver.

I do remember the notes they wrote to us, which were priceless.

You can’t monetize love

Gift-giving is meant to communicate love and appreciation. Yet too often we conflate the price of the gift with the value we place on a person or relationship.

A currently running ad depicts a couple in their parkas and hats, obviously in love, walking in a wintry clearing surrounded by trees. He says, “I got you something,” and the camera shifts to show a dog bounding through the snow toward her. She scoops up the dog, happy, then says, “I got you something, too,” and we see a pickup truck bounding through the snow toward him. (The commercial is, of course, for one of the automotive companies.) Who does this, really?

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not against buying gifts. I am against measuring the quality of our gifts, whether given or received, by the quantity of money spent on them. I am also against making anyone feel less than worthy if they don’t have money for purchase gifts. Giving is not a competition, and no matter what marketers want us to think, how much we spend is not an indication of how much we love.

Looking back, those times when I’ve had to get creative because buying gifts was impossible have taught me something important. I’ve been privileged to witness the impact of a gift of words or one of meaning conveyed by other creative means, from a heart to a heart.

Let’s not be driven by the unrealistic expectations placed on us from internal as well as external forces to spend money we don’t have. Believe me, I know it’s hard. Maybe things are financially tight for you this holiday season. If so, you’re not alone. Lots of us are living that reality. For some, it’s temporary. Can we be grateful for that fact and hopeful for better days? For many in our world, it’s nothing new. Can we have empathy and give creatively and simply in solidarity with them? Either way, no shame.

Life hint: Don’t restrict gifts of words to the holidays. Be generous with affirmation and appreciation. Scatter that stuff around like wildflower seeds and watch what grows.