As we work with individuals and organizations on age-diverse collaboration, my colleague Laura and I talk about self-awareness as a key communication skill. It’s ironic that understanding others requires self-awareness.
We humans ascribe meaning to things based on our perceptions of them. It’s the only way we can. But our relationships, both professional and personal, will get messed up if we can’t see that others understand differently based on perceptions they formed from their own lived experience.
From our perceptions, we create filters and eventually form implicit biases that influence how we view the world, whether we realize it or not. Implicit biases are those that we aren’t even aware of. Too often those filters and biases get in the way of understanding each other.
Laura and I also recommend intentional curiosity and asking questions to understand others. It also helps to question ourselves about our own emotional responses and attitudes.
In light of all this, last week a little voice inside me whispered, “Carol, how self-aware are you, specifically about your own attitudes toward age?” Yikes. So I opened my journal and dug in.
First, let me say I choose to be up front about my age, because we desperately need a reset on stereotypes and assumptions of age, for everyone but especially for older women. At the same time, I feel hesitant every time I tell someone in the professional context how old I am, because I know those preconceived images and implicit biases may very well color how they see me. But here goes, with vulnerability and some back story about the effect of the past two years on my attitudes toward aging.
I promised myself a party for my 70th birthday. I planned it as a joyful celebration of life—past, present, and future- as I crossed this mile marker. It was especially meaningful to me because 70 meant I had officially lived longer than both of my parents. I invited all my favorite people. I made a playlist of music I love. I looked forward to good food, dancing, laughter, joy. The date of the party was set: March 13, 2020.
Then Covid descended. I canceled the party on March 12. And with my age making me one of the most vulnerable, I entered a battle with my own mind. Instead of my 70th birthday ushering in the next active season of my life, I felt like I became a shut-in. And in my mind shut-ins are those older people who can’t leave their homes at all or only with assistance, whose days are full of TV and solitaire and crochet and mid-day naps and invisibility. (And right there, you see some of my own ill-informed assumptions of age and “shut-ins.” Gulp. In other people I would call this out.) It felt like emotional whiplash of my identity.
Since then, I have taken all the precautions recommended and gotten my shots to give me the best chance of not contracting Covid. Thankfully I have stayed healthy. I officed at home anyway, so no big change there. (Hint: Don’t assume 72 means someone is retired.) Like the rest of us, I quickly got up to speed on Zoom. I made hundreds of masks. I wore masks – still do sometimes. As public health advisories have changed, I’ve gotten out and about when I’ve been able to do so safely. I no longer fight the thought of being a shut-in and do not feel like one. Life is really pretty good.
But I am still processing my own age. What 72 seems to imply doesn’t fit me in my own mind. It’s incongruent. What is off? Is this denial? A fear of aging I didn’t realize I had? An implicit age bias that affects how I view myself and others?
People expect 72 to be old. What do I care what other people expect? What makes me uncomfortable is realizing that in some ways, I conceive of that number as old. And I don’t feel old. The incongruity is a wake-up call. Apparently I still have a belief about my own age that is limiting and not valid.
It’s true that self-awareness is key to open communication. The learning never stops. About ourselves, about other people, about the world around us. And that’s a good thing.
Now it’s your turn: What are your attitudes and beliefs about age? How do you feel about your own age?
Thanks, Carol, what a beautiful way to invite us into considering our attitudes about age!!
Late to the table with reading this but loved it! I see reflected many of my own feelings about aging. I have never "felt" my numerical age, whatever that is supposed to feel like! I'm always surprised when facts occasionally "jolt" me like, 1972, when I graduated from college, was actually 50 years ago?? Noooo, that can't be right?! Age is a number and I'm blessed to have many friends and family, of all ages, in my life, which makes for such a rich tapestry of continuing experiences and points of view!