Part of the human experience is someone expressing their, shall we say, displeasure to us. And let’s face it, most of us are just as likely as a coworker or family member to vent from time to time. Frustration leaks out in sarcasm, petulance, or outright angry words. We might be the target, or we might just be the one in proximity when venting happens.
Caveat: Some outbursts of anger are truly dangerous. Unrestrained anger is a problem that requires intervention, and we should all protect ourselves from abusive situations. None of this article is meant to apply in those situations. What I’m addressing here is civility in normal human relations and how to prevent destructive conflict from escalating.
When you’re on the receiving end, what happens inside you? How do you respond? If you’re like me, it’s hard to remain emotionally neutral when this kind of leakage happens. Fear and sometimes anger start to rise in me. Yet it’s usually not necessary or helpful to respond out of either of those feelings.
The two most common response tendencies are to get defensive or to clam up and hope the tension just dissipates. But neither of these actually helps. Both are ways of not hearing the person expressing frustration, which does not facilitate resolution.
“So what am I supposed to do when I get a snarky text like this?” you ask, as you turn your phone around to show me the less-than-appropriate text message.
Step back.
Breathe.
Gather the courage to respond as a calm grownup.
In Crucial Conversations, the book written by Patterson, Grenny, McMillan, and Switzler, I found this bit of wisdom:
When they get mad, get curious.
“We need to wonder what’s behind the ruckus,” write the authors. Where is this emotion coming from in them?
Step back mentally and realize that it is probably only partially, if at all, about you and the situation at hand. Even if it is, it will help if you can calmly convey that you can tell they are upset, that you want to understand, and that you want to help resolve it to the extent that you can. To calm your own emotions that can flare up, take a moment to breathe.
Develop the habit of asking yourself, “Hmm, I wonder what’s behind the feelings in this message.” Next, try to respond with empathy and curiosity, something like, “I hear your frustration here. Can you tell me more about it?” Then listen to what they say and ask questions as needed. You’re not listening to defend yourself. I know it’s hard – really hard sometimes– but listen to understand a layer deeper than the presenting words. It helps to rephrase and summarize what you are hearing, then ask if that’s what they mean.
This requires a default generosity of attitude. Start with what positive you know about the person and what they value instead of jumping to negative conclusions about their motives. In fact, it’s safer not to assume motives, period, until they tell you what their intentions or desired outcomes are.
Depending on the circumstances, you may be part of the solution. If you think that’s the case, you can simply say, “I’m sorry this is so hard. How can I help?” They might decline your help; that’s their prerogative. But don’t offer if you aren’t willing to be involved. Or more generally, “Let’s talk about how things could be different going forward.”
Keep breathing through this all, and be patient, advise Patterson et al, because strong emotions take a while to subside. It’s a process, not a click of a switch. We’re humans, not devices.
Respond directly to them.
When you are on the receiving end of expressions of frustration and venting from someone, talk with them about it directly. Keeping silent, then doing your own version of venting about it to someone else is unproductive and toxic.
Within organizations and families, relationships fall apart and chasms widen when we take everything personally, make assumptions about harmful motives, respond in kind, and talk about it with others instead of the person who said or wrote it. (If the situation is serious enough, it might be wise to take someone else with you. That’s different – see above caveat.)
If we are to have ongoing personal or professional relationships with other humans, we can choose to contribute to civility or to further erode it. How we respond when others vent frustration to us can potentially do either.