On Persuasion
8 Ways to Fail at Winning Someone Over
I often talk to myself when I’m stuck in traffic. I talk to the windshield about all kinds of things . It never answers back as I speak my piece. I think I sound persuasive, but because it’s only the windshield I have no way to measure whether I am until I try it out on actual people.
Some people are skilled persuaders. Some are not. Some actions seem like they should work, but then we wonder why they don’t actually change anyone’s view or motivate a desired action. Worse, sometimes they spur resistance.
Persuasion is not about manipulating someone to come around to your point of view or get them to comply with your directives. It’s a skill that involves collaborative dialogue and sincerity. Inspirational leaders do it well. Demagogues do not.
Let’s take a look at eight reasons our persuasion attempts might fail:
We lack self-awareness. Do we assume everyone thinks like we do? Or do we lack confidence in our own position or doubt that we deserve a hearing? One way, people will feel unseen. The other way, they will discount us and what we’re saying.
We become verbally violent. The authors1 of Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High define verbal violence and say, “Methods range from name-calling and monologuing to making threats. The three most common forms are controlling, labeling, and attacking.” In fact, a personal attack will harden resistance to what you’re saying. A raised voice and menacing body language are also forms of violence. In the presence of such aggression, the person we want to persuade won’t feel safe and will shut down. They might go along out of fear, but they are not persuaded.
We talk too much. The best persuaders listen more than they talk. They seek to learn what is important to the other person and understand what they truly think and why. Monopolizing a dialogue turns it into a lecture, and that’s not the best way to persuade anyone.
We come across as predatory debaters. Debates have a winner and a loser, and there can only be one winner, which means the other person knows they’d be cast as the loser. Resistance will rise if we feel smug about the strength of our arguments. Argument does not equal persuasion.
We treat it as improv. Just start talking, share what you think is important, and they’ll change their mind, right? Nope, that’s not how it works in real life. Same with sound bites. Persuasion is not one-size-fits-all. Who will you be talking with? What do you already know about them? What don’t you know about them that might be helpful for a productive conversation? And I don’t know about you, but if I don’t prepare at least somewhat, my mind is less than focused and my words are apt to come out a jumble.
We make assumptions and prejudge. It’s not safe to assume the same word or concept means the same thing to everyone. For instance, words like liberty, freedom, and justice mean wildly different things to rich libertarians than they do to the rest of us. Neither is it safe to assume the other person holds the same values that you do. You could be talking at cross-purposes and not even realize it. Also if you think you already know where someone stands, you might be right—or you might be wrong. Start with questions and listening, or risk coming across as off-putting and dismissive.
We take the short view. It takes time to establish trust, without which no one is going to open up to listen to you. We have to create safety so people can take time to mull over what they’ve heard. Sometimes changing our minds requires challenging our own identity or tribe, and that’s tough. Rarely can it be rushed. Don’t consider one conversation the end--unless they tell you it is. (Read my earlier Substack article on the Language of Trust.)
We rely on data alone. Humans make decisions with a combination of heart and head. Flooding the zone with data can be overwhelming and impersonal. Additionally, we need at least one story to connect the topic to real people in real life. Then use the data as support.
If you’re just speaking to the windshield or the mirror, go ahead and use these techniques to your heart’s content. Just don’t expect to convince a real person of anything that way.
1Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High, by Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan, Al Switzler